The heart of Never Wanna Go Back is in many ways the spiritual grand-child of Leslie B. Tucker’s I Have Decided to Follow Jesus.
“The cross before me, the world behind me; no turning back, no turning back”
It’s about never wanting to go back to old crutches, unhealthy coping mechanisms, or vices. It’s about leaving things that belong in the past to finally stay in the past and, with everything in us, pressing forward in pursuit of health, hope and trust in SOLID ground—that is Jesus. I’m here as a living testimony to the wonder-working power of Jesus leading me to health, hope and solid ground. Where would I be without Him? ..ah yes, I remember. I never wanna go back to that way of living.
I remember being obsessed with trying to live a perfect life and making sure Jesus only had good things to say about me on the Final Day of Judgement. Growing up in church, I learned all the do-not things and spent my adolescent years making sure I NEVER did any of the do-not things. “Do not be unkind”, “do not dishonor your parents'', “do not be selfish”, “do not be prideful”, “do not--” this consumed my mind 24/7. I spent every moment interrogating myself and, because of my small perspective, I convicted myself guilty every time. When I did fall short (because we all have and will fall short) and mess up, those moments became confirmation bias of the lies I bought into about myself. That was a gateway to anxiety, depression, fear, worry, bitterness, anger, self-loathing, and comparison to name a few. I might as well have run right up to the Judgment Seat, taken the gavel out of Jesus’ hand and tried to do His job better. “Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!”, I would say. If you know me, I bet you’re thinking “what? no way.. sweet little joyful May?” Yes sir, yes ma’am. Sin looks ugly on everyone, and it will warp your ability to understand Grace. Looking back now, leaning on my own understanding was a big oof-and-a-half. All the while, sweet Jesus with His kind eyes (that brought me to repentance) was looking at me with care and perfect love. He was fully aware of everything I was feeling and thinking, but felt no need to give attention to what wasn’t true. He gently took the gavel back from my hand and struck the sounding block. Not Guilty! Not Guilty! Not Guilty! ...rang each hit. I couldn’t help but think about His sacrifice on the cross. He cast my sin away as far as west to east. Now that’s Grace.
I remember being on the floor on my knees when He opened my eyes. Repentance hit me like a salty wave, but washed me clean like His blood. It was like I could finally breathe for the first time and this weight I grudgingly carried all my life was lifted and placed where it belonged—not on my shoulders, but Jesus’. Perfectionism took its true and hideous form right before my eyes and I could see it for what it was. Ew. I couldn’t believe I wore that every day! Since then, I’ve resigned from trying to do God’s job. He does it so much better! I’ve stopped searching and judging my own heart and I’ve dived head first into Psalm 139:23-24, “search me and know my heart. Try me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” I’ve found life now, and I’m leaving guilt in the past where it belongs. It’s so much better this way. Why would I ever want to go back to how I was? That chapter is sealed in Jesus’ name, and I praise the Lord for it! Now every time the enemy tries to attack me, I hang onto God’s every word of Revelation 12:11 which says, “they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, and they did not love their lives to the death.”
When we’re caught in the crossfire of anxiety and defeat, we have a third choice. And it’s a path far less traveled. One that often feels invisible when we’re blinded by our loyalty to ourselves. It’s a path that requires us to fix our eyes upward, rather than on ourselves. Who knows what treasures we’ll miss if we walk through life staring at our own feet in fear of whether the ground will hold or give way. I don’t know what you’re struggling with today, but one: it doesn’t define you. Two, there’s a better way and His name is Jesus. He leads to Life. I know that’s what you’re looking for. Three, behold, Jesus will make all things new. Journey onward with me toward this Promise:
“And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying:
“Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man, and He will dwell with them.
They will be His people, and God Himself will be with them as their God.
‘He will wipe away every tear from their eyes,’ and there will be no more death
or mourning or crying or pain, for the former things have passed away.”Revelation 21:3-4
It is an invitation to go forward with Jesus, and not go back. Are you in?